I’m not him, not her

The worst part of being your daughter

is the comparison I make of myself. 

I’m not as smart as him. 

I’m not as outgoing as her. 

I’m not him and I’m not her, 

but if I’m not him or her then what am I?

Am I worthy of being called your daughter if I seem to lower your standards

that were once so high and proud for others? 

How I bring the disappointment to your words.

I’m not who you want me to be.

God I wish I could but I'm not she or he

Everything at once like him and her.

I seem a burden to you,

Is all I am a burden?

You say not but,

I see the change behind your eyes.

The slow blinks,

The frown on your face

The I’m not mad I’m disappointed.

I know you’re disappointed,

I’m disappointed too,

Disappointed I’m not like him or her.

---

I originally wrote this in the midst of a fight with my parents, struggling with depression I was lacking any emotions or cares in the world and it ended up causing some arguments. I've compared myself to my siblings since I was little, looked up to them, wanted to be them. I didn't realise we were all made to be different and I pressured myself so hard to be like them - to be who made my parents so proud. I found out that I'm not the same, sure you could call me 'special' but in reality I'm different just like no one is the same. I've achieved things they haven't, and they've achieved things I haven't. Doesn't make any of us less worthy. In reality my parents are proud of us all for so many different reasons, I've come to realise to this and feel more with myself. Here's a sign to be you, not anyone else.

Signing off, Chloe.